Rule # 7: Weight It Out

You want that bump, right? Those early weeks of pregnancy just dragging on with nothing more than what looks like a beer gut make you long for the day your stomach proudly proclaims that there IS a baby on board, no doubt about it. However, you want ONLY the bump. You don't want extra packing in the thighs, ass, neck, face, toes, ears, fingers, ankles. Oh, god, the ankles. Please don't let this mama develop cankles!

Quite the conundrum, right? You want to get bigger--for the first time in your life, actually--but not too big. You don't want to be one of those women who look like a Weeble-Wobble by week 30. Your doctor doesn't want you getting too big either. Question is, how much can you really control it?

Since getting pregnant, I've maintained basically the same eating habits. I don't feel as if I eat much more than I did before, and while I should probably be making healthier choices more often, I have tried to ensure I eat somewhat healthier. More fruit, even more vegetables (which I still don't like, but I'm trying!) I've even improved on my exercise, going from basically a slump of no routine to walking my dog every day for around 30 minutes. I live on a large hill, so it is a decent trek we take up and around it.

Despite this, I managed to gain 10 pounds in one month according to my doctor's office's scale. WTF?? I freaked out mentally when I was informed of this. While that particular doctor waved it off and told me not to really worry, that every woman has a period where she gains more, I was still pretty upset. How the hell could I have gained 10 pounds when the only things I was doing differently were GOOD changes? Not to mention if that pattern kept up, I'd be 70 pounds heavier when all was said and done. Hell to the no!

So after that appointment, I pretty much through a strike against any drinks besides water. Yep, boring old water, all day every day for a month. Occasionally I'd indulge in an apple juice or a Sprite, and once in a great while, an iced tea--my biggest vice and greatest pleasure. I continued working out with the doggy and eating like I always had before.

This brought me to my next appointment. When it came time to stand on the scale, I removed my shoes, took a deep breath, and watched her inch the sliders up with enough anxiety to pop my eyes into their own hemisphere. Scale steadied. Number recorded.

Only one pound gained. One pound.

Know that feeling you get when you walk into a bar and you know you're looking hot in your new halter top and high heels, when your hair curled just the exact right way for once and your smoky eye make-up is making you look fierce, and you glance around the room you just walked into and you KNOW you have all these other bitches beat? Yeah. That's how rock star I felt when I found out I'd only gained one pound.

I did it! I was back from the brink of entering Fatty McFattersville! No more 10-pound months for this babymaker!

Then I met with the doctor. A different one than last time, because I go to a group practice and have to rotate through all the faces I may end up peering at from his/her perch between my legs in a few months. And he says I've gained about 15 pounds overall so far.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant. I've gained 15 pounds overall. Hey, not too shabby, I think to myself. Plus people love to tell me how I've only gained weight in my tummy. (Not completely true. The thighs are breathing down the tummy's neck. But why tell? I'll indulge people and shower in whatever niceties they have while I still can.)

But then the doc says to "keep an eye on that. We really like you to have gained between 5-10 pounds by this point and between 25-35 for your whole pregnancy."

Alright, dude. I know you're just doing your job. I know you meant nothing by it. But did you REALLY just tell a pregnant woman to watch her weight? Do you KNOW what it feels like to watch your body fill out and plump up like a zeppelin waiting to take off when you've spent most of the past two decades obsessing over keeping things as neatly tucked away as possible?

Non-pregnant people, especially those who have never been pregnant in their lives, love to tell you to indulge, you're allowed, you're eating for two! You've got the best built-in excuse ever to pig out, and everyone secretly wants you to for some reason. But then the doc, well, he's telling you to not gain too much. So you're left feeling confused. To eat, or not to eat.

Baby always answers that question.

So here's the Good Pregnant Woman behavior I can offer: eat. Eat what you like. Pay some attention to being a little healthier, definitely drink water like it's ambrosia, and do steer clear of things you know you're not supposed to eat, like a lot of seafood. But ENJOY the food you do eat. I don't care if I do gain 10 pounds a month if it means my baby's well-fed for development and I'm loving the fact that I'm not choking down tofu and broccoli (oh, my old nemesis) just to try and avoid an extra 2 or 3 pounds. Exercise some to give yourself that mental brownie point and feel good about yourself for still doing it. I love my walks b/c they are good for my dog and good for me. Mental boost = happiness = Good Pregnant Woman.

Even if I gain a pound every week for the remainder of my pregnancy, I'll have gained 35 pounds overall, which is the top of that scale the doc mentioned, so I figure he can shove it. Especially since the hypocrite had a stomach that sagged lower than mine ever will.

So weight it out ladies. The pounds will arrive however they want to, despite some of your best efforts to avoid them. And while we hate it, we also, deep down, love it, because no one can make you feel guilty about gaining weight that you can't help but gain. Not even a stupid MALE doctor.

Just start mentally preparing now for the thousands of hours of crunches you'll be doing once the watermelon removes itself from your stomach and is napping with a binky while you sweat it out for the sake of the old glory.

Someone's gotta strap on those high heels again someday, right? Rockin'. :)