So you have emerged: pregnant, proud, prodigiously stomached. You finally feel as if you're experiencing that neater part of pregnancy everyone else likes to tell you about: little "butterflies" of the baby's first movements (or, in my experience, what feels like muscle twitches in my uterus region, not so much the gentle gliding wisp of a wandering wing), a rounded tummy, perhaps even a rare sighting of visible movement from the outside, or the official ultrasound where that alien you saw back in the beginning now actually looks baby-like. The good times are a-rolling.
Then you realize you're going to be seen in public and need to dress like a person who is not homeless. Or blind. And you're screwed.
Why? Because most maternity clothing is just not flattering. And if you wish to be a mamasita fashionista on a budget such as I do, you're in for severe disappointment. Because while there are cute maternity clothes out there, they're like anything else in life: the more you like it, the more it costs. I've found some fabulously adorable items in my many store scavenges and internet stake-outs and I hold my breath in anticipation...then I see the price, and I exhale with an expletive or two.
My main problem with spending any money is that a) I'm only going to be wearing this clothing for less than a full year of my life, b) I'm going to continue getting bigger, so I can't really be sure anything will fit me for more than a few months at a time anyway, and c) I'm going to get huge eventually and have a feeling nothing will make me feel as cute as my zebra-striped, red-heeled stilletos used to, so why spend money on things that aren't going to do their job?
If you can relate to such a dilemma, I am here to warn you: Whatever you do, you MUST break down and purchase a few of your own cute items with your own money, so that you have some guaranteed winners in your closet. Once you've hit the point where maternity jeans really are the only comfortable option (I'm pretty much there, and I'm just about 22 weeks), be a Good Pregnant Woman and REMOVE ALL NON-PREGNANT CLOTHING FROM YOUR CLOSET. Why do I say this? Because it's what you tell a recovering alcoholic to do with all of the bottles he used to have stashed before returning home: get them out of sight for good. If you don't get those clothes out of there, you're going to suffer fashion depression. Two reasons for this:
1. You will falsely rationalize to yourself that you can still fit into certain pieces. Then you will put on a cutesy spaghetti-strapped, flowy blouse from White House Black Market that you always thought made you look a little pregnant before you actually were, believing that now it'll be perfect since you actually are pregnant so it's okay if you look it, and then you'll walk to the mirror where your confidence will drain slowly out of the visible ring around the location of your half-popped belly button, which will be accented by the formerly adorable shirt. You'll immediately take off this item and desperately try another loose-fitting top with a rouched bottom that you are POSITIVE will work without a problem only to notice your maternity bra generously announcing itself through the thin material. At this point you will sit half-naked with the most pitiful little tears clinging to your eyes as reality rears its ugly head at you. Non-pregnancy clothing is, indeed, completely unsalvageable. And then you may raise your fist to the sky and say, "Damn you, pregnant blogger lady! You tried to tell me and I didn't believe you!" Then you may drop to your knees dramatically while screaming "Nooooo!" at the sky.
2. If you keep all of your skinnier clothes in your constant line of vision every morning you attempt to find something to put on, you're going to be nostalgically remembering the days when you looked fabulous with much less effort, and many more choices. While you stare at that red wrap dress with the plunging neckline, you'll be pulling out a full-length black turtleneck dress with some weird zipper accent that makes you look like you're 20 years older than you really are. You're just asking to be sad about the whole situation. And you'll start to wonder why you would have ever been so anxious to speed up to where you had a bump, because you'll be bearing witness to the fact that there's a payoff for bumpdom: frumpdom.
The other reason for this sacrifice in style is because you will definitely not want to spend enough money to completely replace your entire wardrobe, so you'll end up borrowing from any and every formerly pregnant woman willing to offer her items to you. And believe me, this is the best source you've got, although there are dangers. You may find yourself with a few exciting items that you'll want to kiss your friend for owning and allowing you to have, but you'll mostly get bland items that are usable (if there was ever a time to stock up on cheap costume jewelry that can pop, it's now!) and a few horrifying items that you'll just stare at like roadkill. You'll wonder how any woman could bring herself to stoop to suede cowboy pants, or potato-sack pastel grandma flower prints. You may even experience a flashback to morning sickness or first trimester nausea when you mistakenly envision yourself in these items.
But that's what you've got, so make it work, just like everything else. Because there's only one thing other stylish ladies will accept as an excuse, and you've got it plastered all over: BABY ON BOARD! So just don the plain black dress, throw on the big hot pink beads, step up the mascara, and smile pretty, mama.
The zebra-striped heels are waiting patiently. And what a sweet reunion it'll be.
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