An Introduction, Of Sorts

So, if you are anything like me, you awoke one morning and found yourself married to your high-school sweetheart, in the process of fixing up the small home you own, in your mid-twenties, and sick to death of being hounded by that incessant question everyone else seemed to have on their mind since the second after you pronounced the syllables in "I do": So when are you going to have kids??

This question, for the longest time (about two years, to be exact), annoyed me. Honestly, I could have developed morning sickness on the spot just to puke all over the person asking me this for the six-billionith time. But then one day, I realized that I, too, wanted an answer to that question. Everywhere around me, I was seeing babies. The already-born and the not-quite-born kind. Images of dimples and toothless grins and tiny hands and tiny feet splayed everywhere, just for me. Nothing but Pampers Cruisers and Gerber cuteness splayed over the TV. Baby Week on Discovery Health. Marathons of 16 and Pregnant on MTV, even.

That's when it hit me: My God. I want one.

Now, I am a very rational, analytical person. Seriously. So I didn't arrive at this decision after one restless night's sleep. I agonized over it for months, turning it over and over in my head, little mental pros and cons Post-its cramming the space in my brain. I thought about it morning, noon, and night, in every aspect of my life. What finally tipped the scale was that my birth control prescription was about to run out. After a pretty quick and to-the-point discussion with the hubby, we decided to just let it run out and see what happened.

Within two months, something happened.

And as much as I cried and dreamed and felt so sure I wanted to be pregnant, the minute my pee on that stick came back with the digital word "Pregnant," my first thought was, F---! What the hell did I just do to myself?!?!?!?

Which is the first thing I wanted to tell all of you potential mothers-to-be out there. If you think you want to get pregnant and then become pregnant and then have this initial mental freak-out about it, you are NOT a Bad Pregnant Woman. In fact, you are quite normal. Much more normal than anything you will ever read in the gargantuan amount of informational pamphlets, emails, booklets, books, and all-knowing womanly family members which will be flowing your way over the next few months.

Now every woman's pregnancy is different. I've been lucky enough to not have morning sickness. I know, shoot me through the computer right now. I have, however, experienced mild nausea, major uterus cramping and pains (like the kind you get right before your period starts), dizziness, headaches, and fatigue. Lord, have I been tired for no real apparent reason. Other than, of course, I'm busy building miniature human organs and whatnot.

So far, pregnancy sounds wonderful, right? Mmm-hmm.

I am currently around 17 weeks pregnant. Since my husband couldn't keep his trap shut, most people knew around weeks 8-10. That means I've been dealing with the new revolving door of questions that everyone asks for at least two months already. And, oh, how tiring that is all on its own!

So beginning now, with this stage of pregnancy--the one where you're officially in the "honeymoon" trimester, as they call it, but feel like you just look chubby and not pregnant and are still experiencing some of the less-than-glamourous symptoms that you only had while on your real honeymoon if you were hungover--I want to offer you a guide. Based entirely on my own opinions and experiences, of course, I'd like to tell you how to be a Good Pregnant Woman, since everyone will be watching and waiting and weighing your every move and verbal reply over the next nine (or ten) months. I am not always a Good Pregnant Woman...but may you learn from my snafus.

Let the rules commence!