Rule # 4: Realize Your Role as Sleepless Beauty

Okay, so you probably won't be feeling that beauty part of the title at all, but you should know something: sleep sucks. Already.

Perhaps not all pregnant ladies have this problem. Actually, I'm sure most don't, since we are all glorious little snowflakes in our pregnancy uniqueness. But I'm willing to bet the more you bloat up, the less sleep you are going to get.

This is why it's so important to nap at every opportunity. Being a schoolteacher myself, I am VERY thankful for my work-free summer days so I can catch up on the crazy sex dreams that are getting interrupted nightly by my need to: a) empty my overflowing bladder, b) eat something to satisfy the beast that is a baby in my belly, c) stare at the shadows on my ceiling as if Picasso had put them there, d) flail around uncontrollably in an effort to find a comfortable position, or e) glare at my husband's peacefully snoring-in-sleeping-bliss face and resist Urge # 45 to hit him square in his slightly parted sleepy lips. In an act of mercy (and to keep PETA off my back), I've left off this list my homicidal urges toward my stinkin' little doggy that jumps up and squeezes himself like half-used toothpaste between my husband and I. He cuddles up and puts his head on my tummy, though, so I just pet him while I admire Shadow Picasso and think of it as his bonding time with baby.

Waking up at all hours of the night is not the only problem you'll have, either. As a matter of fact, on many of those hourly nightly vigils, you probably won't even feel that mad because you'll convince yourself this is just like practice for those first nights of newborn to come in however many months.

What annoys me more is my inability to fall asleep in the first place. How can I feel so damn tired all day, only to finally stretch my disfigured lump of a body out on my comfy bed and my specialized pillow and find myself still wide awake during infomercial territory? If I could smack sleep in the face, I would. Don't know who he thinks he is, playing around with me like that. He should know that just 'cause I'm pregnant doesn't mean I won't shank him if given the chance.

So keep popping those prenatal pills every night, ladies, and make sure you've got a good book, a glass of water, a decent light, and a straight path to the fridge, because you're in it for the long haul. God bless mother-to-be-hood.